Just recently in my crazed road trips across Adelaide, I've realized just how strange, twisted and utterly fascist are the names of many of our fair city's hair-cutting establishments. To help protect your scalp from the bent ways of these barbarous barbers I have compiled the following compendium of actual Adelaide salons, which you should print out immediately and tuck into your knapsack in the case of an emergency. It's a crazy world out there. God speed, RD 
Taboo Haircutters - "Your image is our concern" - What the hell is so taboo about getting a trim? Or do they also invite you to partake in a spot of cannibalism out the back, too?
Hair Hype - "Our versatility is endless." Your slogan is pointless.
Hair Extensions International - A common trick of certain unscrupulous salons is to use the world "international" in the title, to give their establishment a degree of import and worldliness it actually lacks. "Yes the rats tail is popular in Milan, you'd be surprised to know".
Alchemy Hair - If this is a science lab where the object of your visit is not to leave with less hair than you went in with, but to use chemicals to produce more, and in places you never had it before, then I'd give it a miss.
The Mens Room - Sounds suspiciously like a urinal not a hair salon. I wouldn't touch this place with someone else's shizzle stick.
Jorells Face Hair Body - Anyone want a date with Jorrell?
Hairific - Horrific.
Fresh Hair and Body - Business is much better since they changed the name from "Crusty Pubes and Torso".
Hair Artistry By Liz - Liz couldn't decide between visual arts and hairdressing so she's doing both. "Why yes, I did turn your hair into a topiary giraffe, thank's for noticing."
Hair Magic - I go there all the time. They can pull a rabbit out of your hair and a hare out of your arse.
Karin's Hair Kapers - Unless you want to know what kind of kreepy and kooky kapers Karin's been up to, besides being kreative with the letter k, keep klear.
Smash haircutters - Hey, accident victims need haircuts too.
Just Cuts - "Hey, could you colour and blowdry my hair?" Read the sign lady. What does it say? Just cuts. We JUST. DO. CUTS.
A Classic Image A Total Concept - A crock of shit.
Above The Fringe - Below the waist.
All Ways Ladies Hairdressing - We don't care about your sexual preference.
Oxygen Hair Is this because air rhymes with oxygen. Breathe easy. I ain't going there any time soon.
Antenna Haircutters - "Yeah, can you fit a coathanger so I can pick up SBS when I'm walking to work?"
Altitude Haircutters - "I'm sorry, I can't cut your hair below 30,000 feet."
Aviary Hair Designers "Yes I CAN do a birdsnest for you as a matter of fact."
Balboa Hair Designs. "STELLA, STELLA" What? can you do a perm please?
Blackward scissorhands "Kevin, you wanna play scissors, paper stone again?"
Brushcutters Barbers - "Just the fringe, the sides and my rosebushes thanks."
Cutting Remarks by Adele "You sure you want that hairstyle? I usually do that for young, skinny people with big tits, good teeth and less hair on their upper lip."
De Ja Vu on Brighton "I've got the eery feeling I've stuffed up your hair before?"
Exotic Hair and Beauty "Sure, bring him in. Greek's are our main clientele base."
Freestyle Hair Designers "Don't worry, it's perfectly safe to use the blow dryer in the pool."
Gawler Hairdressing and Tobacconist - "Hmmm, your hair should't really be smoking, no."
Hair on the Hill - "Our name? oh, Hair on the Mound was taken."
Hair Tech - "Yeah, I could get it done, but I'd need parts and I can't get them until next tuesday. And it ain't gonna be cheap, let me tell you."
Hair Workshop - "Well done Sally, that's a wonderful Cousin It."
Hairmesphere - "So what are we doing today, north or south of the equator?"
Naked to Nurtured - "Let me know if my swinging cock is distracting."
Serendipity Hair "Ooops!"
Underground Hair Cutters "Yeah, we are a bit out of the way."
Zigzag Professional Hairdressers. "What do you mean you look like Vanilla Ice? Hey Lady, you saw the sign."
If you can add to this crucial compendium, for Goddsake man, don't just sit there, contact the HOAN institute of public safety and help make it safe again to walk the streets. The Hopes of a Nation depend on it.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Hair's looking at you
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16 comments:
An absolute snowball of building comedy. You really began to zing with every new addition by the end there. Your finest work yet and obviously one you've been grooming this entry for months like a small boy in the playground. No Hair Machine though? Sounds to me like a contraption that straps on your head like Professor Emmett Brown in Back To The Future..
That reply hardly made any sense at all did it? Yes. Thanks Pete. Plum concrete Venzuela mittens Emdur deja vous cowabunga
Ha! I hadn't actually noticed how many crappy hairdressing salon names there were. One of my favourites is Pink 'n' Shearz, mainly because I like the idea of someone (apart from me, of course) walking out looking like they'd had a haircut with a broken bear bottle. Oh, and the bogan spelling pleases me.
I like the "hair" ones best - Hairforce, Hairizons, Hairmosphere, Hairistrocrat. So marvellously tacky and certain to be owned by a scrawny blonde called Jaime.
CUTTING REMARKS!!!! hahahahaa What the hell were they thinking?? Top work Raoul, made me laugh (again).
PS: Have to pull you up on one thing - Rocky's famous line was actually "ADRIANNNN!", not "STELLAAAA!", which was from Stanley in A Streetcar Named Desire...
love, the NitPicker.
He he. I thought my reply didn't make any sense, but that was before I read Redcap's reply! What the hell is a bear bottle?
Oh... here it is...
http://lamsonsteins.com/GRBE.JPG
Aw, crap. Damn my dyslexic fingers. That would be a broken BEER bottle. Nice detective work, though, Scootikins :)
Poor Scottie. He had a good point, and would've complimented it nicely by shooting us off to another site but he didn't know how to make a link. I eat links for breakfast. That's gross...when you think about it.
Hilarious! loved it hahaa
I can recommend also Sweeny Todd headcutters on David Terrace in Kilkenny. You can guarantee a close shave there.
Your not Raoul Duke asshole, not anywhere near. It seems you were concived with a weak sperm! Maybe your dad was jacking off and your mom sat on it at the last second. The immediate termination of your use of this name must stop forthwith. You are making an unmitigated farce of this great name. I think maybe the name Swine would be more fitting. Dr. Gonzo....
Wow, what an incisive comment anonymous. I was about to spend a few hours explaining the concept of irony to you, but noticing you used the word "mom" I gather you're American, in which case I won't bother. Congratulations on your razor sharp intellect and for the balls to post a comment with such an original moniker.
Ps, thanks for the tip. I should stop terminating the use of the name Raoul Duke. So I should keep using it then? Oh, well I think I just might.
Didn't you hear him, Raoul? He said to stop the termination of using that name FORTHWITH. So stop stopping it! No, stop. I mean stop stopping it. I mean... oh fuck.
God I love the internet.
Also Raoul, I'm not sure that you should be taking literary criticism from someone who can't even spell "conceived", let alone master the apostrophe. It's "you're" not "your", dickhead. NOW who's the "asshole"?
By the way, Anonymous, how IS life in Sterling Heights, Michigan? I've heard it's a lovely place.
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