the car boot's connected to the...

WE all know life is a complex and richly woven tapestry, replete with all manner of strange quirks and ironic connexions, which give us pause to marvel at the majesty of whatever omnipotent deity or lifeforce was responsible for them.

Through the instrument of science and other analytical tools we have garnered deep understanding about various aspects of life and the world, from the flight of birds and the industriousness of ants to the inner workings of the human body and other machines.

Yet, for all our advances on these fronts, I wonder whether science is yet prepared to contemplate one of the most bizarre and perplexing questions we are facing today.

Why does my car boot pop open when I press the button to turn the airconditioner on?

Those closest to me will know I have been grappling with this strange and embarrassing conundrum for more than two years and seem no closer to an explanation for it.

Rewind to 2004 and imagine my bewilderment, after taking possesion of what is otherwise an immaculate and very handsome car, to discover this curious case of crosswiring.

Innocently, pressing the button, the next sound I heard was the distinct unlatching of the car boot.

"Hmm, must have clipped the boot latch with my foot at the very time I pressed the airconditioner button," I naively rationalised.

After repeating the exercise dozens of times in the weeks after, I finally realised I was the proud owner of the funniest car not used for business by a team of clowns.

In the years since, I have become practiced, indeed conditioned, to the quirk, routinely getting out of the car at the lights in heavy traffic to slam the boot shut, ignoring the intrusive stares of my fellow motorists.

But so tiresome has the burden become sometimes I have found myself simply ignoring the problem, driving along obliviously, the boot flapping and banging away happily.

Most of the time it's fine, but on at least two occasions this approach has backfired.

I was going up a steep hill with a 90km/h limit when FUCKEN physics kicked in and the boot flew right open, completely obscuring my rear view.

I've become accustomed, too, to the concerned drivers who try to alert me to the situation, by mouthing through their wound up windows and pointing frantically, AS IF I DIDN'T KNOW.

Numbnuts driver: "Your (inaudible) boot's (whoooshh whooosh) open, mate" (with much pointing)

ME: "What???"

ND: "I SAID, your BOOT IS OPEN"

ME being fascesious: "Che?? You're quitting smokin? huh? you can see my scrotum?''

I've discovered, if the boot pops on my way to work I can use the dips and undulating parts of certain roads to let it shut by itself. That's lateral thinking.

It may also be laziness - the same kind of laziness that has allowed me to go for more than 24 months without consulting a mechanic.

I've probably passed dozens of the bastards on my travels... but it's not all that easy to spot them with the boot up.